2 Sam 7:18 “Who am I, O Lord God? And what is my house, that You have brought me this far?
It's a rhetorical question not just out of humility but out of intense awareness of God's presence that brings in a sense of unworthiness. I've experienced it many times engulfing me anytime before/during/after I minister be it praying, preaching, teaching or anything. This comes from experiencing an active sense of HIS tangible presence, sheer power of HIS word and mighty move of HIS Spirit.
Though I may look totally comfortable on the outside, its a whole different story on the inside feeling like a child on his/her maiden recital. Parents, siblings and friends all are watching but the child's eyes are on the music sheet but mind is on his/her teacher. The child knows that no matter how good/bad the performance is, parents would be so proud, encouraging and comforting. But the teacher would tell the truth, if not immediately but for sure later. Teacher would tell the need for more practice, sacrifice and more of everything. And, the teacher will justly decide to advance grade levels or not.
Over the years, while my eyes are on the audience, I've learnt to keep my mind fixed on Jesus who is the author and finisher (Heb 12:2). He doesn't just start and then give up frustrated with me half way through, but HE finishes. If He initiated this race, he will see me through the finish line. He knows my every strength and every weakness. He knows all my falls and bruises in practice yet he put me up on the stage here not to put up a show but to get HIS work done. All that I need to do is be honest about how HIS mighty love and mighty Word impacted and transformed my ugly self into what I am today! Simply put, Be a witness!
When my mind is fixed on Him, it gets rid of worries about the outcome be it appreciation or depreciation and do what HE commanded me to do. Only with such obedience, HE then revels the dry, desperate, parched and hurting hearts and lives in the audience whom HE brought for a purpose. Its not about my reason for being there, its about HIS reason for bringing all of us there including me. That brings a whole new understanding of Matt 10:20.
The answer to the question above is a question indeed! Would I ever be knowledgeable enough, qualified enough, holy enough, perfect enough to minister? Never. This is where we learn from David. Anytime David fell, felt unworthy, tormented by enemies, suffered defeat, in the darkness alone, in deep valley, he ran to the throne of grace as is right where he was and made it all about God and not about him or his circumstances. We see it in many Psalms he wrote including Psalm 3 when his own son Absalom was chasing to kill him, Psalms 20 and Psalm 21 when Saul was chasing to kill him.
Then its dawned on me that it's always about HIM and HIS people HE wants to minister to. I am mere a messenger/salve/donkey carrying the Savior. Those beautiful shawls spread in the front to walk on, those swaying palm leaves, that music, those praises and appreciations, even for a moment if I think they are for me, I am the greatest fool. Its all for my Savior God whom I carry in my back. This not only applies to ministering but for every day life. Regardless of what we do for a living, there is only one mission and purpose.
That, my dear friends gives such a deep sense of relief. I don't need to be perfect but be honest in words and deeds. That my beloved takes the burden off of my shoulders. Jesus did not choose the successful, powerful, resourceful influential individuals but chose the uncultured and uneducated fisherman. You and I are a testimony to what HE can do with such unworthy people and HE can do it even today in your life.
Lord Jesus, mold me from being a Christian to becoming a disciple. May your love portrayed on the cross compel me and teach me to serve. Use all of me - my trials; my shortcomings; my inabilities; my circumstances, my everything to bring others closer to experience this amazing love.
While your eyes are on daily work/chores/race/fight, would you fix your mind on Jesus? Have a blessed day and week!
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